I blog when I'm emo...

Debauchery is exhausting

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:52:20 GMT

So... in the last few months I've been living a life of debauchery. This is new to me.

All my life I've been single and never did I really indulge on the "bachelor(ette)" lifestyle. Only recently did I really take advantage of it. Kissing so many girls. Performing shameless acts in the alleys behind the clubs. It is an absolute riot! I'll admit, it's entertaining and I've been pretty content for the last little while.

In the end I still go home alone. And I don't mean that as in.. I'm not taking a girl home to bang. I mean... I don't have a girl to go home and cuddle with and to talk about douches (like myself) at the clubs. I started to feel dirty.. and to feel like a player.

So I asked a girl out and now I feel vulnerable. We've agreed to go out, and countless thoughts have started running through my head. With randoms, you wouldn't give a rats ass about what happens afterwards. With potentials, you wonder and you worry.

I have a potential and I'm scared as shit. This feeling sucks... but wish me luck. (Ugh...)

One big F for FAIL.

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 02:32:18 GMT

GARBAGE. THIS IS GARBAGE.

Why is my place being used as everyone's storage space? It's my fucking house. I officially moved in on the 15th of February. I thought I finished moving my crap by the 22nd. No... the next day my sister and brother in law brought over MORE stuff from the apartment. Okay great, so I put all that stuff away. But NO... today? You wanna know what happened today? I went back to the apartment to help throw stuff out.. and what happened? Every other box we went into, my sisters say "hey, take this stuff to your place for mom."

WHAT THE FUCK? Why is all this garbage going to my place? Does it look like my house is huge? DOES IT REALLY? Is this even my house anymore? Because I sure have a lot of shit here that doesn't belong to me. There is all this canned fucking food that I will NOT eat. Why do you think I left it all at the apartment? SO IT COULD BE TAKEN AWAY.

Do you know what else felt great? The fact that no one helped me bring all this shit back to my house. Sure, they load my fucking car up with a whole assload of boxes and I have the pleasure of bringing each box one by one down the stairs to my house. And it was done one by one because each box was heavy as shit or too awkward to carry with anything else. Then during this whole process... my pants get caught on my license plate as I'm trying to walk around my car holding a humongous fucking Chinese suitcase and I rip a hole in the leg. PERFECT.

So my sister brought her shit back to her boyfriend's who helped her move it into his apartment. One friend blew me off and was nowhere to be found all weekend. Then my only time that I got to spend with one of my close friends was taken away because she had to attend to her girlfriend. So all weekend, I felt pretty abandoned. Thanks a lot everyone for pitching in on that. You all did so well.

A box short of a happy meal...

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 04:50:44 GMT

I got a happy meal last weekend. I looked inside the bag and gazed joyfully at what I had. A job, money, friends, freedom, and company.

So.. Wednesday rolls around.. and I want my weekly happy meal. So let's look inside that lil brown bag. Wait a second, I'm missing something! Job, money, friends, freedom..... where's my company? Not much of a happy meal if there's a void there now is it?

I'm sad... but I think I'll just have to use the gym to compensate for the company. Not quite as good but it'll suffice I guess. I wonder for how long though?

So Raw...

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:22:05 GMT

Acoustic songs are so.. SO pretty. They really are beautiful. Acoustic makes me... emo.

Unfortunately I do not own an acoustic guitar, but I play acoustic songs on my electric, unplugged. I've spent the last two hours playing songs that I adore purely for their acoustic riffs. Then when I finally put down the guitar, I listen to more acoustic songs that I hope to learn one day. Some of these songs aren't even sad but they really do bring out the emotions. I have a friend who cries from beautiful piano songs. I cry from beautiful acoustic songs.

I used to think acoustic was lame and would bitch and moan about having to play a classical guitar during music class. Now I really wish I wasn't so close-minded about that. There's just something about an acoustic guitar. You can really focus in on the sounds. Each finger pick can sound different. Tap it for that hollow echo. All of your mistakes can be heard. The rawness of it... is so.. IN YO FACE!

Just imagine, some douchebag has an acoustic out and starts playing More Than Words or that eerie sounding song... Sometimes (I Wish) by Dallas Green. The room goes absolutely silent and the spectators all sit there marinating in the beauty of the song. From here on, they just listen to nothing else but the strumming and with that, they'll usually start thinking. OH YES, and once they start thinking, they'll remind themselves of a time in their life that was emotional.

I wanna be a musical phenom. One who can bust out a song on the geetar to get everyone to stop, and well, smell the roses I guess? So, I'm getting rid of one of my electrics for an acoustic. The End.

Noise vs. The Emo

Wed, 28 May 2008 20:16:43 GMT

Maybe if I turned up the music really loud... it'll drown out the Emo.

You know how you want to overpower the sound of something by... cancelling it out with some other sound? Or... you cause a distraction so that your thoughts aren't focused on a specific subject anymore. I think that's what I do.

I went out with a couple buddies yesterday hoping that it would be a good way for me to block out the things that were upsetting me. I got really loud; I yelled at the top of my lungs. I was talking a mile a minute. My singing was like desperate cries for help... I needed to be saved from the Emo. So with all the distractions and constant activity, Hannah said to me... "You don't act like you're Emo.... you look like you are though." Haaaaaaha... I can't fool anyone.

Now I have started my day by turning up the music until I could feel the rumbling of the bass. I start dancing a little and waddayaknow? I forgot about the Emo. But then when the silence hits, the Emo sneaks up on me. It whispers into my ear and I succumb to the depressing thoughts all over again.

CUHRAZY!

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:25:03 GMT

So many conflicts...
So many thoughts...
So many ideas...

It's rather difficult trying to find time to blog when there's so much going on. I've been neglecting my journal, and can feel what's left of my mediocre linguistic skills slipping away.

BUT... conflicts have stirred the thoughts in my head, and as a result I've got loads of ideas for journal entries. SNAP! Till then.. I have 4 more finals to destroy.

- MK

Fixing what I broke...

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 02:38:45 GMT

I just read my postings on here from three years ago between February and March. I have to admit, I got annoyed at what I wrote. Three years ago, I was so carefree and I rambled on about the most ridiculous things. Some of them were hilarious memories, but in the end it all came down to trivial matters that were amplified by the high school environment. It was around this time, that I should have been prioritizing.

Grade 12 was the first year I started to fall behind. I still remember when I would start falling asleep during classes. I remember feeling inadequate compared to my peers in my calculus class. For example, when it was time to do practices, everyone's head was down, pencils scrambling away while I sat there and looked around the room. The biggest thing though, is that I still remember thinking I have so much time left to figure things out. I guess I did, I had at least 2 more years of schooling to decide what I was going to do with my life.

Fast-forward to last night: February 24th, 2008. I was talking to Richie, and I was upset. I was ranting to him about how the weekend wasn't the greatest, and the reasons for why that was. Eventually, it led to a talk about my life and why I was unhappy with it. I was unhappy because I didn't approve of what I had become. I took advantage of the fact that I had a lot of things handed to me. I had a knack for getting out of sticky situations, and I took advantage of that too! I took all the things that I could have used to benefit myself, and used them for negative things with no regard towards the consequences. I pretty much destroyed one of the most important things about myself.

This talk with Richie brings me back to what I stated at the beginning of the post. When I was a little younger, two to three years looked like a lot of time. In reality, it's nothing at all. I have been at BCIT for three years now, and I am graduating in June. Graduating from POST-SECONDARY education. It is that time where I should be looking for the job that I could quite possibly be working in for the rest of my life. It was a big slap in the face when I realized that my time was running out. My work ethic is absolute garbage; I'm doing piss poor in school and I'm not going anywhere with life right now. I complain about how I used to be such a hard worker and how I used to be such an intelligent individual. Even in writing this right now, I get irritated at the fact that I used to be extremely articulate too! To top that off, I'm not at all satisfied with the kind of stuff I am learning. Do I really want to be working as a network administrator for the rest of my life.. or more generally, do I even want to be in the computer field? That's another story.

My point is, I graduate soon and I am left with two choices: 1) Find a job that could potentially be my last OR 2) Continue with school. Either option I choose, I know that I can't wait for things to happen anymore. That's why I am no longer allowed to complain. I need to clean up the mess that I have made.

Geez, grow some balls why don'tchya??

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 09:52:41 GMT

It's always easier said than done. You tell someone to suck it up and just go through with something. In this case, confronting someone with any "romantic" feelings towards them, is always easier for you to tell someone to do than for you to actually do it yourself. However, if you really tried hard, if you really THOUGHT about it, and put yourself in this person's shoes, you'd begin to realize just how terrified you'd be too.

What is it that we even fear in the first place? Rejection? You think, "I'm gonna be so embarrassed if I get rejected". Sure, nobody wants to be rejected. So what's the easiest remedy for this? Simply put: avoid the chance of being rejected in the first place. The only thought that floods your head is "Hey, if I don't ask, I can't get blown off".

You're scared of what this person might be thinking of you afterwards. Maybe they're getting the wrong impression of you. You don't want to be left panicking to try and justify your actions. You're left with saying, "No wait, I'm not a slut for wanting to just sleep with you, there's more to it than that..", or "I'm not weird for falling for you so easily.."

Then what happens if this person actually does reject you or gets the wrong idea but brushes it off as if nothing happened? You'll feel awkward around them and would have lost a friendship. No longer can you talk to this person freely, nor can you be in this person's presence without being paranoid about what they're thinking of you. Yeah, you're scared of the awkwardness too.

So why do we let our fears get to us? Why is it that we allow ourselves to succumb to our fears. Why be this big ball of pessimism? If only we could see how trivial these fears actually are.
Really, why fear the embarrassment? Do you really think this person is going to tell other people "omg, just asked me out, what a tard"? If that actually does happen, good riddance to the motherfucker and MOVE ON! Why fear the awkwardness and the impression you give off to this person? Okay, a little harder for me to defend BUT, all I can say is that you can never go through life avoiding these things.

I think it all comes down to human nature; no matter what the context, it's natural for us to want to do the easiest thing possible. You do things the easy way because it's comfortable; it's comforting knowing that you won't have to face the facts yet (kinda like procrastinating). It's easy to run away because it's instinct to run from fear. HOWEVER, there is, of course, a downfall to all of this. When the end finally comes, you're going to get caught and suffer anyways. Sucking it up and facing the truth is what will help you grow. Seize the moment, and take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. If you don't voice how you feel, you'll never know what could have happened. Sometimes it'll hurt yes, god knows for how long, but in facing your fears, you'll have saved yourself a lot of time (which would have been spent moping and dreading over something that might not even happen).

BLAH

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 05:29:47 GMT

I refuse to go on your rollercoaster ride of emotions...

The feeling of hurt makes you human..

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 08:06:24 GMT

Alright, so, this is somewhat of a continuation of the previous post.

For myself personally, when I feel hurt, it has to be one of the most amazing feelings I go through. Sounds odd doesn't it? Why would hurt feel amazing? Why would I be associating something good with "hurt"? Haha.. no it's not some creepy ass sadist thing. I find it amazing, because when I feel hurt, it brings out a different side of me. A side that shows I'm still human; it shows that I have weaknesses.

There are some people that I know that seem unbreakable to me. Key word there: SEEM. These people SEEM unbreakable, but I'm not naive enough to actually believe they are. Some of these people are just total hard asses, that never let people see them in their fallen state.. but then there's those few rare occasions that their tough exterior crumbles. Those are the moments that I admire (and I guess in some cases, those moments make me find someone more attractive). Like I said before, it shows that they are capable of FEELING too. It's a moment when you can relate to someone. Everyone gets upset... and because of that we can all relate to each other.

When I'm upset.. when my eyes are starting to well up with tears.. it has to be one of the most powerful experiences ever. Not only does it make me think, it makes me talk (and talk and talk and talk). There's more to it than just a bitchfest. It's kinda like I'm scrambling to make sense of why things are happening the way they are and the only way I know how to do that is to talk it out. So talk it out with who?

I've fallen into this state of depression so many times. You would think I had learned by now. Hell, even I myself thought I had learned by now. Why the fuck do I continue to do this to myself? I always tell myself that I won't do it again, that I'll be stronger, and use will power. I keep it up for a bit, but then I fuck up. It's almost as if I do this to myself subconsciously!! Think about it... it's like.. habitual. Your brain is used to this pattern: ambitious-->nervous-->giddy-->euphoric-->stress-->sadness. The pattern repeats itself in a vicious cycle.. and it has run its course so many times, that you unknowingly keep doing it to yourself when you don't even want to.

It's kinda sad isn't it... that you say you're "used" to getting hurt. No one should have to really be used to getting hurt, but for some people like myself, that's the case. I think it makes me stronger though, and I like that. I think it helps me hit a higher level of maturity; a level where I can show someone else how to do the same.

So in the end, I think that hurt is the only feeling that is capable of making me really think. It's like, when you crash so hard... when you're at the very bottom, you're only left with finding ways to bring yourself back up. In writing this, it makes me feel a bit better about everything. Now, the only thing that doesn't make sense is the reason as to why I crashed in the first place. I'm almost back to that point where I feel that I have better things to do than mope around feeling emo. I've grown a lil more... but that's just part of the pattern.. the cycle begins again. Maybe not now, but it will.. count on it.

Some of us like hurt

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 06:23:05 GMT

Maybe we do? Why else would we continue to put ourselves through this? I know a lot of people, who depress themselves over someone they like. They know that they're going to get hurt.. they fucking KNOW.. but they insist that they keep trying.

Ever been in the position where you reaaally like someone.. but they don't exactly feel the same way? Sure, they show an interest in you, but it's not exactly what you want. So what do you do in this case? You take what you can get, hoping for the best. I bet this statement (more or less) has crossed your mind... "I like you.. I want you.. I know you like me too, but we're not exactly at the same level. We'll just try things out now, and see where things go." You hope that.. maybe this person will change.. maybe after some time, you know, stuff will fall into place. Maybe from being in their presence all the time, you'll grow on them.

...But then that's when you start thinking.. you have an epiphany.. "is this not an insult to myself?" Really, think about it.. this is what you're really saying... "I'll wait around for you, until you like me... I'll make myself available to you, just in case you want me". So what now.. if this person finds someone they want more and ditches your ass? OR.. you're forever going to remain a spare for whenever this person needs a "lil somethin' somethin'".

SO THEN.. you get sick of it and decide to be strong... you decide to ignore them (or at least try not to act like a fucking lovesick puppy towards them). Things are going well, you've successfully managed to get over it finally. Everything is looking up, you're feelin' good, workin' hard, and keeping yourself busy. Then it happens.. that person starts to do things that make you forget why you wanted to drop them in the first place. You pretty much dump all the progress you had made and you fucking go back to chasing that person who screwed you over in the first place.

This isn't the last time this is gonna happen either, because most of the time, given these circumstances, NOTHING has changed about this person. The only thing that's happened, is that this person just felt like playing a bit, or missed the attention. Who knows, there's a possibility they're going through something a little bit like you, where they forget why they didn't have much interest in you in the first place. Lemme tell you though, the only thing that ever changes, is your hormones. You get a fresh dose, and your brain starts manipulating situations so that they make more sense.. whether it's positive or not.. it'll make more sense to you.

So I ask again.. why do we put ourselves through this? Why do we keep setting ourselves up for hurt? Well, I think it's because it feels just so damn good when the outcome is positive. It's like.. relief.. you know, the gratification we get when we feel that we finally get something out of all our efforts. It's almost as if the happiness you get out of this one event is enough to outweigh all the cons. Maybe that's what it is huh?

motivate me...

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 21:58:54 GMT

I'm finding it so hard not to cry these days. The past month has been shit. August is always a sad month.. when everything starts coming to an end. Friends go back home.. the social life comes to a stand still.. and it's time to buckle down and get ready for school again. Thinking back to my past journals.. I'm pretty sure I've written about this same subject every summer. It never changes does it?

The beginning of the summer was great.. everything fell into place, and I was feeling hopeful for what was to come. Hell.. I even met someone I was into.. whose feelings were mutual. That has always been an issue for me... where I'd crush on someone who didn't feel the same way. Without question, it was the highlight of my summer. It was a friggin' life changing thing.. my first gf! Haha.. wow that's actually really sad. I would call her my gf.. just because it was easier than saying "this girl I'm seeing". I shoulda known from the first couple weeks that it was going to be a rough ride. I was scared of her... and watched my mouth a lot. There were SO many misunderstandings between us.. since a lot of the time we only got to chat online or text. Come on... you do not fucking need a STUDY to know that a good percentage of texts/emails/online messages get misunderstood.

So anyway, that "relationship" came to a screeching halt, and that started the shitball rolling. That, combined with the post-summer blues fucking threw me off. I was stressed.. got a lil depressed.. and gained weight. I've packed on 15 pounds... and that discourages me. I worked SO SO SO hard to get myself healthy again after going through hell as a child. Being picked on for being overweight caused me a lot of grief. Which leads me to another thing I must bitch about...

I don't know when it happened.. but I've become so judgmental towards people. Not my friends of course.. but random people I see walking down the street. I had it in check during high school.. but I think sometime in the past couple years I turned into a total bitch. I hate myself for that. I know what it's like to be singled out and ridiculed.. why the fuck am I doing it to other people. Though I don't actually call out someone and make fun of them, but I do it in my head, or silently amongst friends. I'll see someone walking down the street.. minding their own business, and I'll judge them for looking a certain way. A lot of the time I'll catch myself and think, "they didn't do anything to you Marcy... why are you hating on them?" It's also something I've gotten in trouble for with that girl I dated.

I'm sure she thinks I'm a total cunt and prolly wonders why she dated me in the first place. I know she has been interested in other people now.. and for good reason. Sooo, that's definitely humbling.... and it makes me want to do something better with myself.

Instead of all this self-pity shit I've been doing.. I should be more active and just suck it up. I went out with a bunch of friends this weekend and had a great time; met new people and felt good. Maybe that's why I'm always alone (without a lover).. because I don't go out and socialize. It's like.. how can I expect someone to come to me when I don't put myself out there. Back home I was so used to going out all the time and meeting new and interesting people. So yeah, I'm still homesick... and still haven't gotten used to life here. I need motivation.. I can't do this on my own. For once, when someone tries to help me, I have to actually let them.

you can't see me

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 08:10:01 GMT

you don't see the tears rolling down my cheeks. You're my best friend and I love you like a brother. I act happy for you because deep down I am. On the other hand... i cry because i want what you and the rest of my bestests have. In the end, it's something that I truly want more than anything.

All my close friends have someone they love. Everyone's off doing their own thing, spending time with that one special person. And when they come home to talk to me, they go on and on about what they have. They're blissfully happy, therefore they aren't able to hold back their feelings towards it all. I don't blame them for that, but it hurts like hell.

This rant always seems to come up with me. It's not something I can move on from. I hate being here, i hate being where no one fucking considers me as someone important. (And I don't think that statement qualifies as me being stuck up and an attention whore.) But really, does my sister need me? hell to the fuck no, she'd be extremely content with having me move out. Do any of my friends here actually sit and go "wow i miss marcy, i wanna hang out with her". maybe a couple of them, but otherwise NO. Where the fuck is my place here? I don't have one, and back home, maybe i do. But I don't want to be relying on my friends' company, because all of them will go back home with their lover. Again, what the fuck do i go home to? an empty room.

I ultimately hate promiscuity. It's great at the time but the next day she gets up and leaves you alone again. I didn't need to put much thought into realizing that some of the utter states of contentment were when i was holding a girl and cuddling with her. I don't wanna be alone anymore. I want someone to love who is capable of reciprocating. When will it be my turn?

P.S.: even tho you're my best friend.. you know what i hate about you as of right now? you know i'm upset and you didn't fucking say anything.

at last, a peaceful moment to reflect..

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 07:21:51 GMT

Sitting by the fireplace.. listening to some beautiful music on the lappy.. drinking my tea. This is not something I often find the time to do. To say the very least, it's soothing. It puts me in that state where I start to contemplate everything that's been bogging me down in the past little while. The few who give a damn, have probably noticed that I'm not around on the oh so addictive MSN anymore. No myspace... none of those other ridiculous profiles I love to keep up. Okay so I haven't actually given it all up, that makes me wanna say.. BITCH PLEASE!!

Heh.. alright, well I haven't given it all up permanently. I'm on a hiatus from it all. After a emotional return from my homecoming to PG, I was left in an extremely vulnerable state. A bunch of little things contributed to my vulnerability... to sum it up, I was wayyyyyy homesick. A thing that I don't usually admit to most people.. is how emotional I can get. On the rare occasion that I do, boy do I ever go on. SOO.. more about my trip. I gotta say, I experienced a lot of guilt throughout the whole visit. Friendships were lost, as well as dignity. Then there was more guilt because of family. It all took its toll on me, and on my last nite in PG, I cried. I cried for a while, and looked to my mom for comfort. I felt the worst about my family, because I didn't spend as much time with my parents as I should have. I had a good opportunity to, but gave it up. I look back now, and questions like "are you retarded" and "where is your sense of family values" came to mind.

During my last few days, the idea of moving back to PG seemed very inviting. MOVE BACK TO PG?! Have you gone mad?!?! It's so ironic, back in the day I was ITCHING to get out of PG; thinking that life in Vancouver was going to be amazing in comparison to life in a small town. But now that I'm here in Van... I'm wishing I could go back home. After a year and a half of living here, I'm not quite sure if I've managed to establish myself yet. Maybe that takes more time? I just know that right now, I don't think I belong.

Let's put it this way, I feel very alone now that I'm here. My group of friends I once had, are all off living their own life now. Some have stuck together and sure enough, some haven't. I miss each and everyone of these people, because with them, I felt appreciated. I felt the love. Like a little puppy, I wanted the affection, and wanted to get my share of attention. After years of being that shy little fat girl, getting bullied... I had enough of it. Miraculously, I managed to become SOMEONE. Someone who I feel is a better person, and has grown a lot. And once I started to make friends who cared, I lost them to distance. (But don't get me wrong, I've made a few great friends here too, who I completely adore.)

That's a lot of negativity isn't it? Wow, Marcy is such a sorry ass drama queen! Yeah, I know I have my moods. You know what else tho? I think the negativity thing finally made something click. It's true, that you get to the point where you are so down on yourself, so low.. that the only place else you can go is up. Cliché, yes. But it's true, dammit! So that is what has brought on this whole "self-healing" thing I guess you could call it. It's time that I finally got my shit together. It's been two years since things were going exactly the way I wanted. Two years is too long. It's time for change.... so, haha, as my Myspace says: "Marcy is in hibernation until spring".

Lord Kammage

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 18:20:03 GMT

Show some responsibility...
We don't have money to keep you in school...
Apply for your student loan...
Only then will you be allowed to go out.
You always make me out to be the bad guy...
Why do you need to go out so bad?
All you do is sit at the computer...
You don't do anything productive.

This hurts....

Show some responsibility?
Set the example properly.
When I go out, I phone you, I tell you who I'm going out with. Sure I come home late,
But how can you tell me to be home at a certain time
...when you are a hypocrite.
Do YOU tell any of your family that you're going out with friends?
What happens when you come home so damn late, and no one knows where you are?
You don't answer your phone when people want to know where you are.
Why should I even bother showing you that courtesy?
...when you don't have a right to say I'm irresponsible in that way.
I obey you anyways.

So you tell me that's not the only reason I'm irresponsible;
...it's because I have yet to apply for student loans.
We're broke, I understand.
I'm in the process of it, but it's not good enough for you.
So you nag and keep me back because I haven't done it.
Do you think your constant nagging will make me do things?
Because it doesn't. It makes me hate the fact I have to spend everyday with you.
I lose respect for you, every single time this happens.
More and more.. each time.
And all the nagging does
Is push me further into the depths of depression.
I love you, for you are my sister.
I know in most cases, I have it easy.
... if you only knew.

You say I make you out to be the bad guy.
All I've done, is state what you do to any of my listeners.
I tell my friends everything when I describe our disputes.
I even give you the benefit of the doubt.
I state your cases, your reasoning behind your behavior.
And I don't say: "because she can't help being a bitch"..
rather, I say it's because I know you want what's best for me.
I admit, I abandon your rules occasionally.
But I've always come home unharmed.
No matter how early I come home 99% of the time...
No matter how little I go out...
Nothing I do seems to show you that you don't need to worry.

How little you know about your own sister:
Why do I need to go out so bad?
Why can't I wait another eight months to see one of my best friends?
Why can't I just go back to Prince George?
Because, I need to spend time with people who know who I am.
No offense to all my loved ones back home,
You know you all mean so much to me.
But there's nothing there for me anymore.
It's not like my parents will take it any easier.
I want to be able to have the fun that someone my age should be having.
Clubbing, parties, acquaintances...
The ability to live life without any inhibitions.

I hide a part of me from my family.
I hate not being able to confide in my own bloodline.
My only resort is to be with my best friends.
My best friends, are the family I was able to choose.
As I hide this important fact about myself
It slowly eats away at me from the inside.
Being held in confinement at home.
That's why I'm at the computer all day.
I'm looking for release.
I'm talking to people who know me.
Sadly, the only way I can be myself
is over the internet, or in hiding.
How can I be motivated to do anything..
when put in this situation?
Can you go more than half a year without being yourself?
Yeah you can, but how are you feeling by then?

What is it that I can't tell you?
Why can't I tell you?
Because I fear for my own safety.
I defy what the social norm is.
I worry that if I tell you, I'll no longer have a home.
I'll be left to fend for myself.
Maybe I should go live on my own?
I know there's a good chance I won't survive
But honestly, taking the risk is almost worth it.
It's worth being open with myself.
It's worth being happy.
So what inside me so badly wants to come out?
Well, it's exactly that...
ME... I am what so badly wants to come out.
So to my loving family..
I'm sorry, I'm gay.

i say a little prayer for youuuuuuuuuu

Mon, 29 May 2006 23:15:18 GMT

great song.. teehee. okay.. so.. first day of "summer break" for me. what have i done? a whole lotta nothin! actually.. i worked out for a bit longer than i usually do. so that's good :P i dunno how i used to be able to go on for 2 hours... but then again, that was at the gym. i only work out at home now... sooooo, yesh.. not as many resources. ANYHOO.. my goal is to clean the house.. this week. haha. dunno if that'll happen.. but it probably will.. or else i'll get an ass whipping from my sis.

soooo this weekend was entertaining! friday after exams.. we played tennis. lol.. not for very long tho.. cuz it started raining. LAAAAAAAAAAME! and thennnnnnnnn... on SATURDAYYYYYYY.. we saw THE DA VINCI CODEEEEEEEE! i liked it much. twas an interesting movie... and now, i read the book, when my sis manages to borrow it from her friend. not something i'd usually do, watch the movie before reading the book, but everyone who has read the book before seeing the movie has given the movie bad reviews. SO, i figure.. i watch the movie, without high expectations, and BAM.. goood movie. i think the logic in that is reasonable, yesh? yesh..

OKAY... so.. I WANNA PLAY TENNIS AGAIN.. HOPEFULLY IT'S NOT RAINING TOMORROW.. i'll have to park far from the school tho.. cuz i'm cheap, and don't wanna pay for parking. what's a 10-15 min walk?

and... yeah... i have nothing left to say.. *ponders*

OK DONE

Kammage

PC Orange Juice... makes me pee...

Mon, 22 May 2006 07:17:16 GMT

okay.. SO.. more bday festivities today on my bro's behalf. The only thing i'd like to say is.. i have now had ice cream.. 4 days in a row. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaahhhh baby. i can feel the fat...

gonna do crunches now.. teehee.

OH... and i hate dirty ppl that put up this fake personality on nexopia.. and sumhow dupe me into adding them on msn. AND THEN.. when they send me an invitation to start my webcam.. and i reject.. they block and delete me. you guys are fucktards.. and i hope that one day your computer screen falls on you while ur masturbating to dirty ppl on webcams.. and short circuits ur privates. have a nice day.

i need to pee...

Sun, 21 May 2006 08:01:42 GMT

alrighty.. so TODAYYYY was John's bday. YAAAAAY for my bro in law :) We went to play pitch and putt today. IT WAS SO FUNNN.. i've never gone before. i've gone to the driving range a few times. but yesh. For my first time i think i did well.. so ROCK ON FOR KAMMAGE.

Today was nice.. very chilled. and umm.. i got ice cream from costco. LOL.. i got a caramel sundae.. *drool*. that's ice cream.. THREE DAYS IN A ROW. BOOYAHHHHHHHHHH. okay it made me really really happyyyy.

and now.. as a final note.. i'd just like to say.. Jessica Alba is so orgasmicly hot. SEE FOR YOURSELF

so that was an adventure and a half...

Sat, 20 May 2006 08:01:54 GMT

HAAAAAA SO... let's recap today shall we?

Raycho and I spent the whole superlab playing her notpron-alike game. lol... we spent an hour on that one level. and then we got booted outta the class cuz a new one was coming in. SOOOOO... we went to the great hall.. chilled there for 2 hours.. and decided to skip the DB lecture. What did we decide to do?......

DAIRY QUEEEEEEEEEEEN. okay, so i know i'm totally gonna gain sum serious weight from all the ice cream.. but it's okay. lol. SO.. we drove over to brentwood... and.. looked for parking. We saw one line with three spots.. or so it seemed! there was an old guy in his car.. facing me, signalling for a spot. off to my right (still in front of me).. was a guy backing out of a space.. SO.. i assumed the old guy was gonna take that space. Assuming this.. i took the spot that was right in front of me, while the other guy kept backing out of his. after i parked.. rachel told me.. the old guy looked like he got really mad... because i guess i took his spot by accident. it turns out.. that the guy who was backing out of the spot.. was just fixing his park job. So i owned the old man :S i felt so bad. and remember how i said there were supposedly THREE spots.. well there was another spot behind me that i passed... which ended up being taken by another lady. SO... old guy got double owned. i indeed felt bad :(

Anyhoo.. after me and raycho got our ice cream.. we drove back to school. here's where the adventure began...

SO.. i drove around back to SE12.. hoping i could find closer parking. drove around.. saw nothing.. so we decided to keep on going thru. I drove into this one area.. i've never been before. it looked like there was a way to get thru, onto the other side of the building where there was another parking lot. WELL... i was wrong.... i ended up right in front of the school pub.... and the walkway to the other building. WHOOPS..... guess i wasn't supposed to go that way.. so i pulled a U-ey.. hahahahaha, while nearly missing a few students. ah yesh.. and then.. we drove back to the parking lot i had just left. drove thru it again.. saying.. "okay raycho.. we're gonna be really late for class......" and JUST as we were about to leave that parking lot, having lost all hope for finding a spot.. all of a sudden, raycho and i saw a spot.. and SCREAMED at the exact same time.

LMAO.. like what the hell.. why did we scream?!?! or well.. i knew why i screamed.. cuz i like screaming.. it's in my nature to be loud. raycho... just had to catch my attention.. and the only thing she coudl think of soon enough was to scream i guess. LOL.. so funny. So i scored that parking spot.. and then we went to class. ON TIME.. however.. Brian started class 2 minutes early. PFFT.

And that was all... as for tomorrow... bro-in-law's bday! YAAAAAY.. i'm excited for the festivities :)

G'NITE.. THE KAMMAGE

booo

Fri, 19 May 2006 04:22:30 GMT

i got shafted by the hot girl that i messaged....

i now eat away my sorrows... MINT OREO BLIZZARD YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

procrastination is like sex....

Wed, 17 May 2006 17:00:50 GMT

not like i would know.... but it's a catchy line :P

SO... my final is in.. approximately half an hour. HOORAYYYYYS... not really. but it's the only final i'm not TOOOO too stressed about. not a lot of intense studying.

i'm bored... i don't wanna write a final. i wanna play TENNIS.. YAAAAAAAYS. or geetar.. I'M GETTING BETTER AT CANON ROCK. hehe, well, i learned another verse. so YAYS, now to speed it up.

AND... i would like to say.. daryl and I are going to be future club kids... all the eccentric costumes.. and none of the drugs :) drugs are a no-no... do u WANT to be ugly? i mean seriously now..

wish me luck on the finalllll.. oh and good luck to raychoooooooo on the same final :P

KAMMAGE

hi.. my name's stereo mike...

Wed, 17 May 2006 05:27:16 GMT

what song am i listening to? Bran Van 3000 - Drinking in L.A...... WOW.. i remember when this song was so... huge. it's a great song. that's all i wanted to say. i like this song :)

OH.. and i d/led firefox.. teeheee.. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MULTIPLE TABS! WICKEDNESSSSS.

AH SHIT.. i was supposed to continue to work out today.. oh fine i'll do my 8 minutes. LOL!

chewing ur finger is gross...

Tue, 16 May 2006 21:46:33 GMT

so there's a guy sitting across from me.. off to the left. and he's sitting there at the computer, knawing his finger. it's kinda gross. actually.. quite gross.

i'm really bored right now.. i don't feel like doing work. i have a COMM final tomorrow.. yipee... omg i'm so sleepy right now.. this does not feel good. i wish i bought that coffee now.. instead of in the morning. i took out all my energy on beating on rachel. heheeh YAAAAAYS RAYCHO!

so at lunch i sat outside with raycho, alina, and bryan (for a bit). i sat there in the shade and looked for pretty girls. hoorays for me. not many good looking ones tho. it was quite uneventful today.. maybe that's why i'm so tired. *sighs* anyhoo.. i have nothing left to say.. i'm sleepy

Kammage

JUST A QUICK UPDATE: i went to the washroom just now.. and on the way there.. this guy on his cellfone who was in the hallway, said "fucking" way more times than necessary.. in a matter of 3 seconds.

w5 beige sable...

Thu, 11 May 2006 07:51:40 GMT

umm.. yesh.. my subject.. was the first thing i saw while i sat here in the dark. it's what's written on the top of my sister's coverup bottle.

so, the only thing i have to say is........ i've come to the conclusion, my crushes... don't often last more than about 3 weeks.. until i lose interest. it's kinda amusing... a bit sad at times.... but i currently find it purty funny. i remember... back in grade 11.... a couple friends made fun of me... for being interested in a new person every month. well, when the person doesn't have mutual feelings, you lose interest. For me.. if the person doesn't have mutal feelings.. someone i don't talk to... or... gives any clues as possibly not being interested.... i definately get bored. and move on... hehe. So ummm yeah.. i'm bad for that.

That's all... i have allergies.. yuck.

Marcy

blahhh

Wed, 10 May 2006 07:43:16 GMT

omg.. today sucked. lol... sooo this morning... i got very lil sleep.. but that's expected. got to school.. went to buy my parking pass.. and whaddaya know? my credit card... doesn't work :| what the hell?!?! i drove around all the parking lots on campus.. looking for machines that took CC..... and NONE of the machines woudl accept my card! i was freaking out... i felt like an idiot cuz i was holding up the lines. it worked everyday.... since i got my card for school.. and now? it just.. stopped? pfft.. but then later i went to get gas at stupidstore.. and the card worked then. wtf.. stupid bcit impark. but yesh.. i ended up having to ask this stranger.. if he could buy me a pass -_-" i felt so bad... i was like.. "i feel soooooooo bad for asking.. but could u maybe buy me a pass.. and gimme ur number so i can buy you one tomorrow or something..." the guy was really nice about it.. he said it was okay.. he just bought me my pass. so i was happy... but again.. felt incredibly foolish :P. especially cuz after i started thinking about it.. it almost sounded like i was trying to pick him up :S. "u can give me ur number...." *sighs*

OKAY.. so... a random thought for today? I always hear ppl calling themselves original. *cough* EMOS.. *cough* lol okay jk.. but yes.. i do hear ppl call themselves unique and such. A good portion of these ppl.. are stuck up.. and arrogant. Also quite dumb if u ask me. But of course, not all ppl are like that. Anyhoo.. i came to the conclusion.. that one doesn't need to claim originality, because others will do it for them. This makes sense to me.. maybe it doesn't to others, cuz i tend to experience brain farts more often than not. But yesh, i hate when ppl tell me.. "omg no one is like me... no one understands me...omg i came up with that like SO long ago..". I'd much rather others do your boasting for you. Humble is the way to go :)

To a few of you who know me quite well.. SHUT UP.. lol i can hear u laughing at me now.. Marcy? Humble? nahhhhh.... lol, hey i have my moments. Besides, i've had enough of being the quiet lil fat girl who sat in the back of class.

OH.. and on another note.. i'm gonna start looking for info on voice acting. YAAAY for raycho.. lol cuz she quickly scanned monster.ca for job ops for me :P but yesh,,, gonna look into it further.. and hopefully, u will soon hear me on the telly.. and be like.. "OMG THAT'S MAWCYYYYYYYYY" haha.. okies... live long and prosper, and all that start trek jazz.

Marcy